The Hirony of the 'H' factor

Good evening, my fellow country-people. A very good evening to all my Yoruba brothers and sisters out there, especially the ones who ate hegg this morning, the ones who came back from Hamerica last week, the ones who haven’t left their ‘ouses all day,  and the ones who read this blog for their hentatainment. Shorrout to all of you. 

You know, we give the Yoruba people a lot of grief for their 'h' factor. Why do they make the H silent when it should be pronounced and who sent them to sound it just before words that begin with vowels? Why can't they just switch it up? Why evils? 

And in the midst of our constant derision and bashing, we don’t realize that we are just as guilty - we meaning 90% of Nigerians. Every time we lambast someone for their 'h' factor deficiencies, we do so with an 'h' factor ourselves. 

I’ll explain. In the biggest irony of the century, we pronounce the letter 'h' with an 'h' factor. This is because the 'h' sound is actually silent in the enunciation of the letter “h”. Yes, oyibo people are weird but that’s not the point. 

Click on the speaker below to hear how the word is pronounced and then compare it to it the way you pronounce it. 

This means that everytime you said a “'h' factor”, you were wrong because the correct thing should have been “an 'h' factor”. This means that the word hippopotamus begins with an “H” and not a “H”

So shourrout to the hegg, Hamerica and hentertainment people and a big shourrout to you too! 

Ice Breaker: Put a ring on it

Hello friends,

It's been over 5 months since we last posted here. That's really poor of us. New Year Resolution, (abi revolution) fail. Let's see if we can redeem ourselves before the year runs out.

So how was your summer? We imagine that a lot has happened in your lives since April: some of you have migrated to a different country, moved to a different school, gotten a different job, had another child etc. Time really changes yesterday.

Even my friends are treading new paths. The other day, my friend Bimpe came up to me and said, "Guess what? He finally proposed!! I can't believe it. My boyfriend is amazing. Ooops, I mean my fiyons. [insert laughter here]

Wait, what? Fiyons? It took me a full two minutes to process that. And then I realized what she was trying to say. So I promised to give her a shourrout on this site.

So, shourrout to Bimpe!!

Lesson: My fellow country people, regardless of what Tonto Dike says, the man you are engaged to is your fiancé   and the woman you are engaged to is your fiancee . Click on the loudspeaker and hear how it's pronounced. That's right! Fi-yon-say. Just like Beyonce. Exactly.

And just like Beyonce, Bimpe's fiyons, I mean fiancé, put a ring on it.

We wish you both a happy married life, Bimpe!

Heaven Above

Hello folks, longest time around here.

I woke up this morning with a song on my mind.

It's praise and worship time!

Your hands! "Good morning Jesus; Good morning Lord; I know you come from heaven above"

Pause.

Did you just say aboev? Aboav? Abowv?

Like the guy in this video at 3:02?

The same way you call your soap "dowv" and those things you're holding "glowves"

E jo, stop!

If all those words don't rhyme with "love", you're doing it wrong.

Listen:
love  (lv)
a·bove  (-bv)
glove  (glv)
Dove  (dv)

Ok, let's take it again. Your hands! "Good morning, Jesus; Good morning, Lord. I know you come from heaven above"

Ehen! :-)

Everyday, I think of you!: Love me Jeje!

Wizkid won't be happy with us. We've been dulliing on the grammar front. My people, yes, you sitting in that corner, don't dull. :-)

Anyway, on to why we are here today.

Remember that Seyi Sodimu's song? Does anyone want to dance? Well, what are you waiting for? Kimon! Kimon!

Are you done? Ok. So yes, it has come to our attention that many of us don't know the difference between "everyday" and "every day". Well, wonder no more. :-)

"Every day" is an adverb. So in this song, the girl is saying, "Every day, I think of you". The "every day" is modifying the verb "think". It's the same logic behind "Every night, I think of you" or "Every Saturday, I go to the park."

Other examples:

I go to school every day.

I see him every day.

I eat every day.

I cry every day.

I gbagaun every day. Haha. Cool down, sister!

Meanwhile, "everyday" is an adjective. It usually comes before a noun, qualifying the noun.

Examples:

It's an everyday occurrence.

That's my everyday handbag.

Those are my everyday shoes.

These are everyday problems.

Bottomline: you'll always find "everyday" in front of a noun. It can mean "ordinary"-as opposed to "special" or for special occasions- or it can mean "happening every day". "Every day" is usually found at the beginning or at the end of a sentence and it means "each day". 

To test your knowledge, look at the title again. Gbagaun or not?

Wizkid and Family Values

So, many of our friends have asked us to do a post on this for the benefit of those who didn't get the memo.


Nigerians on Twitter are furious! It turns out that Nigerian musician,Wizkid, has no respect for family values! He encourages Nigerian youths to "axe" their mummies and daddies without their parents' knowledge.

Skip to 1:45

What's even more hypocritical, Wizkid hasn't axed his own parents. If this isn't bad bele, I don't know what  is.


Many Nigerians are in the business of axing people. Watch Nollywood movies if you need further proof. But axing won't heal the world. We need love, peace, respect and unity. And when we need something from someone, we can simply   them.


Yes, that's right: the 's' sound is produced before the 'k' sound. Asssssssssk!


So, should we 'axe' or ask Wizkid for a formal retraction of his statement?


PS: Wizkid =/= Whiz kid. That gbagaun should never have to happen. Thanks.


PPS: Lmao. Comment from one of our friends: "Spear ( )
 me... please."Yes, we shouldn't be spearing either.  


 (Spare) a life today! God bless you!

The Girl on Blue

Bola: Who's the best-looking person in this picture? In my opinion, it's the girl on blue
Tola: I think I prefer the boy on pink
Kola: Are you people blind? It's the man on black!

Err.. #gbagaun #gbagaun #gbagaun. I'm pretty sure these people aren't floating on blue, pink and black clouds?

Any time you get confused, remember that primary school game: "Cinderella, dressed in yellow, went upstairs to kiss a fellow; by mistake she kissed a snake, how many doctors does she need?"

Or better still, remember Will Smith's song: Men in Black? I'm posting the video for those who feel like "getting jiggy with it". :-) See lyrics below. They might help resolve the confusion.

Here come the Men in Black
(Uh it's the M.I.B.'s)
(Uh here come the M.I.B.'s)
Here come the Men in Black (Men in Black)
They won't let you remember

Nah, nah, nah,
The good guys dress in black, remember that,
Just in case we ever face to face and make contact.
The title held by me... M.I.B.
Means what you think you saw, you did not see.
So don't blink,
Think what was there but now's gone.
Black suit with the black Ray Ban's on.
Walk in shadow, move in silence,
Guard against extra-terrestrial violence.
But yo we ain't on no government list.
We straight don't exist,
No names and no fingerprints.
Saw something strange,
Watch your back.
Cause you never quite know where the M.I.B.'s is at,
Uh and...

Here come the Men in Black. (Men in Black)
The galaxy defenders. (uh oh, uh oh)
Here come the Men in Black. (Men in Black)
They won't let you remember. (won't remember)
(uh uh, uh uh)

Now from the deepest of the darkest of night,
On the horizon, bright light in the site tight,
Cameras zoom, only impending doom.
But then like BOOM black suits fill the room up.
With the quickness talk with the witnesses,
Hypnotizer, neuralizer.
Vivid memories turn to fantasies.
Ain't no M.I.B.'s.
Can I please,
Do what we say that's the way we kick it.
Ya know what I mean,
I say my noisy cricket get wicked on ya.
We're your first, last and only line of defence,
Against the worst scum of the universe.
So don't fear us, cheer us.
If you ever get near us, don't jeer us.
We're the fearless.
M.I.B.'s freezin' up all the flack.
What's that stand for?
Men In Black.
Uh, M-m-m-...

The Men in Black.
(Uh uh uh)
The Men in Black.
(Uh uh uh, ah ah ah)

Let me see ya just bounce it with me.
Just bounce with me.
Just bounce it with me. C'mon,
Let me see ya just slide with me.
Just slide with me.
Just slide with me. C'mon.
Let me see ya take a walk with me.
Just walk with me.
Take a walk with me. C'mon,
And make your neck work.
Now freeze.

Here come the Men in Black. (Men in Black)
The galaxy defenders. (ooh ooh)
Here come the Men in Black. (Men in Black)
They won't let you remember. (uh no, no)

A-ight check it.
Let me tell you this in closin'.
I know we might seem imposin',
But trust me if we ever show in your section.
Believe me it's for your own protection.
Cuz we see things that you need not see,
And we be places that you need not be.
So go with your life,
Forget that Roswell crap.
Show love to the black suit.
Cuz that's the Men in,
That's the Men in...

Here come the Men in Black. (Here they come)
The galaxy defenders. (galaxy defenders)
Here come the Men in Black. (oh, here they come)
They won't let you remember. (won't let you remember)

Here come the Men in Black. (Oh, here they come)
The galaxy defenders. (uh oh, uh oh)
Here come the Men in Black.
They won't let you remember.

Epitoams

Eclipse
Nigerian pronunciation: Eklips
Correct pronunciation: iklips   

Epitome
Nigerian pronunciation: Epi-toam
Correct pronunciation: Ipi-tomi  


Née (Mrs Johnson née Willams)
Nigerian pronunciation: Nee
Correct pronunciation: Nay   

Shout out to you if you learnt something new today.

May we not be epitoams of poor grammar! Amen :-)

Bose and Biodun

Once upon a time in the city of Ilesha lived a young man, Biodun, and his wife, Bose. Bose and Biodun had been married for six years but Bose had been unable to conceive and their neighbors had started spreading rumours that Bose belonged to a secret witch cult and that her fellow witches ate her eggs every month. Biodun had heard these rumours but he brushed them aside because he knew his wife was a devout Christian and that she was innocent.

But after a while, Biodun and Bose started getting into fights over the most trivial things and sometimes they would go for days without speaking to each other. When they absolutely needed to communicate, they would send notes to each other.

Bose was particularly bothered about this because Biodun no longer ate her food. She tried to reconcile with him in bed but all to no avail. She knew it had to do with her inability to conceive and she would spend whole days crying. Things went from bad to worse. One night, in an effort to remedy the situation and get them on talking terms again, Bose decided to cook Biodun's favourite meal- Pounded Yam and Egusi. She wrote a note and put it on his bedside table so that when he came back from work, he would read it and join her in the dining room for dinner. Bose waited in the dinner room for five hours but Biodun did not return home that night. When it was midnight, she cleared the table, went up to her room, folded the note and placed it in the middle of her journal, and cried herself to sleep. The next morning, she got up early and went to see her mother.

Biodun came home early the next day. He had had a busy day at work the previous day, preparing a report that was due the next day and towards the end of the day, his computer suddenly crashed and he had to spend the night in the office and start the report from scratch. When he was finally done at 7a.m, he rushed home to shower and get a change of clothes.

The house was quiet when he got home. "Bose! Bose", he called. But there was no answer. Biodun started to worry: "Did she sleep at home last night? If she didn't, where did she go? Oh no! What if my friends were right; what if she is a witch? What if she went for the witches' meeting?" When he got up to their bedroom, he started searching the drawers. He opened her journal and a note fell out. It read: "Let's eat Biodun". "Oh my God!", Biodun screamed, "she is a witch!" . He ran out the house as fast as he could and and alerted the neighbours. They hurried to see what was happening. When they came in, he showed them the note. At that moment, Bose walked in and they immediately grabbed her and started beating her, forcing her to confess. They said they had evidence and they showed her the note. "Oh!", Bose exclaimed! I'm not a witch. She immediately brought out her pen and put the comma where it should be and showed them the note again explaining how she had waited for several hours for Biodun to come home the night before. "Oh!" the neighbours responded, laughing at the misintepretation. They let go of her and apologized. Bidoun apologized as well and Bose and Biodun made up. 


Two weeks later, Bose found out that she was pregnant. She was overjoyed! Today, Bose and Biodun and Gbadegesin- their little boy- and Gbemisoke -their little daughter- are the happiest family in Ilesha and every now and then, Bose thinks about that comma that saved her life.  


The end. 

Let's eat Biodun--> Let us all eat Biodun

Let's eat, Biodun --> I'm talking to Biodun and I'm asking him to eat with me/us.

People come here-->This place is visited by people.
People, come here--> I'm talking to a group of people whom I have chosen to collectively refer to as "people" and I'm asking them to come to me.

Happy birthday boy--> The birthday boy is happy
Happy birthday, boy--> Happy birthday to you whom I have chosen to refer to as "boy".

Merry Christmas Bidoun--> The Christmas Biodun is merry.
Merry Christmas, Biodun--> I wish Biodun a merry Christmas/ Merry Christmas to Biodun.

Happy new year everyone-->  I hope the new year everyone is happy.
Happy new year, everyone!--> I'm wishing everyone a happy new year.

Let's eat Biodun--> Let us eat Biodun

Let's eat, Biodun --> I'm talking to Biodun and I'm asking him to eat with me/us.

Punctuation saves lives.

Am I a Fisherman?

Act 1.
Scene 1.

Housegirl enters room

Housegirl: Omalicha, you have not baited this morning. Ngwanu, go and bait!

Omalicha: Hahaha. Chukwumerije, am I a fisherman? It's not bait oh. It's bath. Go and bath.

Chukwumerije: Aah. Sorry oh. Go and bath then.

Chiamaka: Haha. It's not bath oh. Are you a tub? The verb is "bathe" (as in "beythe"). Just like you have the noun "breath" and the verb "breathe", the noun is "bath" and the verb is "bathe". So you can take a bath or you can bathe. But you can never bait or bath.

Chinasa: I disagree. In British English, "bath" can also be used as a verb and it means "to wash in a bath" e.g "Go and bath the baby" or "I bath every morning."

Omalicha: Hya! Oyibo grammarians. Ok oh. I'm going to bathe abi bath.

Omalicha gets up and leaves for the bathroom. Chukwumerije walks away more confused than ever.

Curtain closes.

End of Scene 1, Act 1

The Die is Cast: No Lieing, Crieing or Dieing.

Hello! I just want to say that if you're still spelling 'lying' as L-I-E-I-N-G or 'dying' as D-I-E-I-N-G, you are doing it wrong. 'Lieing' and 'dieing' are not the present continuous (progressive) forms of  the verbs "lie" and "die".

God bless you as you get on the right path. :-)

P.S: "Dieing" is an English word but it has nothing to do with death; it is the present continuous of the verb - to die - which means "to cut with a die (a die is a blade/sharp implement used to cut material in industry)." For more information, see below.

die

²    [dahy]  Show IPAnoun, plural dies for 1, 2, 4, dice for 3; verb, died, die·ing.

–noun

1.

Machinery .

a.  any of various devices for cutting or forming material in apress or a    stamping or forging machine.
b. a hollow device of steel, often composed of severalpieces to be     fitted into a stock, for cutting the threadsof bolts or the like.
c. one of the separate pieces of such a device.
d. a steel block or plate with small conical holes throughwhich wire,     plastic rods, etc., are drawn.

2.

an engraved stamp for impressing a design upon some softer material,     as in coining money.

3.

sing. of dice.

4.

Architecture . dado ( def. 1 ) .

–verb (used with object)

5.

to impress, shape, or cut with a die.

—Idiom

6.

the die is cast, the irrevocable decision has been made; fate has taken charge: The die is cast—I can't turn back.

via http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/dieing